I have been thinking about my blog lately. Thinking about taking it in a different direction. A lot has changed in this head of mine since starting Thoughts of Preacher's Wife.
When I started the blog I was a . . .
Thirty-something wife, mom, and nurse who really doesn't have time to be blogging. I just wanted a way to chronicle everyday life - both good and bad. Lots of new things going on in my life - new church, new to being the Pastor's wife, new to having teenagers, new to not homeschooling, new to infertility, new to blogging.
First of all let me address the "thirty-something wife, mom, and nurse." To be truthful, if my age were a price tag I would be $39.99.
But that is just the first of the problems with that description.
I have been a Pastor's wife at Cornerstone Church for soon to be four years! Megan will be 20 in November - no longer a teenager! I haven't home schooled in three years! I have been infertile for longer than I care to think about. And like me, this blog is no spring chicken.
There are a lot of new things going on in my life . . .
- I am a newly diagnosed diabetic (Okay, I admit that was painful to write);
- I will be entering a new decade of life this summer (More painful, much more painful.);
- I am adapting to life with adult children (Talk about pain!)
- I am discovering the world of healthy eating and exercise;
- I am embracing my new love of bowls, especially nesting bowls, old dishes, and cheap furniture finds at Trader Baker's (It helps with the pain.);
- and I am finally coming to terms with the fact that God blessed me with three children, two dogs, and two cats and that may be all I get. Well, maybe the dog thing is negotiable.
The whole infertility thing which is the real reason I started this blog is still with me. I don't know if it will ever fully go away. It is kind of like hemorrhoids - painful, always there. Okay, maybe not hemorrhoids. More like a bruise. A deep bruise that doesn't show on the outside but one that is painful when just the right or wrong pressure is applied.
I admit that a lot of my desire/need to have another child was an attempt to replace or rather replenish the three that were growing up so fast. I couldn't imagine my life existing outside of their lives.
My thoughts sunk so low as to even think God cruel for not "understanding my desires" and "fulfilling my needs." I still don't understand God's ways, but as God told Job, "I am not a man. My thoughts and ways are not like yours."
Amazingly, I have learned that my growing kids do still need me. I was reminded of this as I was mopping puke off the floor in Joel's room last week.
God works in mysterious ways.
Showing posts with label Infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Infertility. Show all posts
Monday, March 23, 2009
Monday, January 7, 2008
A Warm Breeze
I needed today - the warmth, the wind, the change. The last few weeks for me have been overly busy and and overly troubled.
Not that it's been all bad - we did enjoy a nice Christmas with family and friends, and we rang in the New Year with the best of company. I have thoroughly enjoyed the kids being home from school, and I am thankful for being off work the entire week of Christmas!
But I truly needed the fresh air today - physically and spiritually. The last two weeks have also been plagued by vehicle problems, personal struggles for the kids, ministry related issues, and for me the reality that we are entering our third year of barrenness.
I stood at the kitchen sink today for hours - literally hours - washing the counter full of dishes that had accumulated over the last few days. The patio door was open, and Scooby was enjoying spending the day on the deck. It's the best of both worlds for him - the freedom of outside with the safety of inside.
I am thankful for all of the windows in our house - especially the one above the sink. As I washed dishes, I started noticing how many squirrel nests are in our trees. It seems like every tree has one. They are easy to see now that the trees are so naked.
I always love to think about what animal homes are like. I like to think of them as cozy little homes like in the Wind and the Willows.
Levi came home from hunting this weekend and told about seeing the "biggest beaver dam he had ever seen." He said Wade's foot went through it as they were walking across it and so Levi stuck his head in the hole to see what it looked like inside.
As he was telling me this story, I immediately imagined a cozy fire place with a little wood dining room table and chairs. Levi didn't mention a table and chairs, but he did say it was pretty neat inside.
(Brian later educated me that beavers don't live in the dams - they live in lodges that they make in the ponds their dam creates. He didn't, however, burst my bubble and tell me that they don't have fire places or dining room tables and chairs.)
Opening up the house today has been wonderful. I have watched the wind blow dust bunnies from under the couch and the stairs are now swept thanks to the warm breeze. It has also brought a renewal to me - a reminder that seasons change and troubles go sometimes as quickly as they come.
I'm no fool, I know winter will return and the doors and windows will shut again. Scooby will not be able to play on the deck but will rather crawl back under the blankets and refuse to come out. And new troubles will come as well - but then, so will spring.
Not that it's been all bad - we did enjoy a nice Christmas with family and friends, and we rang in the New Year with the best of company. I have thoroughly enjoyed the kids being home from school, and I am thankful for being off work the entire week of Christmas!
But I truly needed the fresh air today - physically and spiritually. The last two weeks have also been plagued by vehicle problems, personal struggles for the kids, ministry related issues, and for me the reality that we are entering our third year of barrenness.
I stood at the kitchen sink today for hours - literally hours - washing the counter full of dishes that had accumulated over the last few days. The patio door was open, and Scooby was enjoying spending the day on the deck. It's the best of both worlds for him - the freedom of outside with the safety of inside.
I am thankful for all of the windows in our house - especially the one above the sink. As I washed dishes, I started noticing how many squirrel nests are in our trees. It seems like every tree has one. They are easy to see now that the trees are so naked.
I always love to think about what animal homes are like. I like to think of them as cozy little homes like in the Wind and the Willows.
Levi came home from hunting this weekend and told about seeing the "biggest beaver dam he had ever seen." He said Wade's foot went through it as they were walking across it and so Levi stuck his head in the hole to see what it looked like inside.
As he was telling me this story, I immediately imagined a cozy fire place with a little wood dining room table and chairs. Levi didn't mention a table and chairs, but he did say it was pretty neat inside.
(Brian later educated me that beavers don't live in the dams - they live in lodges that they make in the ponds their dam creates. He didn't, however, burst my bubble and tell me that they don't have fire places or dining room tables and chairs.)
Opening up the house today has been wonderful. I have watched the wind blow dust bunnies from under the couch and the stairs are now swept thanks to the warm breeze. It has also brought a renewal to me - a reminder that seasons change and troubles go sometimes as quickly as they come.
I'm no fool, I know winter will return and the doors and windows will shut again. Scooby will not be able to play on the deck but will rather crawl back under the blankets and refuse to come out. And new troubles will come as well - but then, so will spring.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Living Green - God's Way
We try to "live green":
Use supplemental wood heat - from fallen trees even!
Try not to use a lot of paper products (ie. paper plates, cups . . .)
Keep electricity use as low as possible - turn lights off, keep thermostat turned down
Plant trees
Use a reel mower instead of gas mower
Ways we don't "live green":
Drive a SUV - or we'd never be able to get up our hill in the winter
Keep our hot water heater turned up - I like to be able to make hot chocolate with tap water:)
Don't recycle - I plan on starting as soon as the garage gets cleaned out!
I love animals - I always have.
Wouldn't you know the day the conservation officer came to check out our property to see if we "had the proper facilities" to care for injured wildlife, our outside dog, Sam, showed up with his "kill of the day" which happened to be our state bird! I don't think we left a real good impression on the conservation officer.
Come to find out I probably could have adopted a baby with less red tape than it would take to legally care for a wounded or orphaned raccoon. So I gave up on that venture.
The point is I think that as Christians we should take care of God's creation. In Genesis 1:28 it says that God told Adam and Eve to subdue it. This means to study and explore it. I think you can take from that that we are to have an appreciation for all of God's creation.
Genesis 1:28 also says that Adam and Eve were to have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. J. Vernon McGee put it this way, "Adam was not just a gardener to cut the grass. Man was created to rule this earth." We are to have dominion which means we are above the animals.
However, this is not the view of everyone. Here is an excerpt from an article I read online today:
Oh, if we all just disappeared. According to The World Without Us, Alan Weisman's strangely comforting vision of human annihiliation, the Earth would be a lot better off. In his doomsday scenario, freshwater floods would course through the New York subway system, ailanthus roots would heave up sidewalks, and a parade of coyotes, bears, and deer would eventually trot across the George Washington Bridge and repopulate Manhattan. Nature lovers can take solace in the idea that the planet will thrive once we've finally destroyed ourselves with global warming. But Weisman takes the fantasy one step further: Let's not wait for climate change, he says. Let's start depopulating right now. Instead of burning down our numbers with oil and gas, we might follow the advice of the founder of the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement, who tells Weisman that everyone in the world should stop having kids all at once. Weisman isn't up for quite so drastic a measure, but he makes his own pitch, moderate in comparison: Let's cut the birth rate to one child per couple, for a few generations at least. The population would dwindle by about 5 billion people over the next century, he says, ensuring the habitability of the Earth for the 1.6 billion who remained. At that point, they could all reap the rewards of a more spacious planet, sharing in "the growing joy of watching the world daily became more wonderful." It seems like a notion from the fringe, but Weisman's book has become a mainstream best seller. Could population control be the next big thing in green culture?
This is the kind of thinking that comes out of a society that embraces the teaching of evolution. How tragic that we in America have become that society.
This type of thinking clearly contradicts the truth found in the Bible. God's Word tells us in Psalm 127:3-5 Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord; and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.
The church and we as individual Christians are partly to blame for our society's view on the sanctity of life. How many good, Bible based churches are silent on the matter of abortion. How many of us as Christians buy into the lie of "us 4 and no more" when it comes to our families - afraid that God won't provide if we have more than our token 2 kids.
We bought the lie after 3 kids. I remember distinctly our family physician sitting in my hospital room holding Joel and asking Brian and I (age 28 and 24 respectively) what we were going to do to "keep this from happening again." She was serious - before discharge we needed to have a plan. So when Joel was 3 months old, Levi was 3 1/2, and Megan was 4 1/2 Brian had a vasectomy - 100% covered by insurance. This proved to be a decision that has brought much heartache into our family and a decision that has cost thousands of dollars to try to correct.
In Sunday school we are studying the book of Joshua. The last two Sundays we have learned how God called the Israelites to be different, set apart - a peculiar people. As Christians we have that same calling. We are to be different from the world - we are to have a different mind set.
We are to value life - unborn life, young life, old life. The world doesn't and that fact is becoming increasingly more obvious.
We are to care for God's creation, but we are to worship the Creator not the creation. We also need to keep into perspective that people have souls - animals do not.
It is past time for Christians to stand up and proclaim the truth. I fear that the world we have helped mold with our indifference will prove to be an inhospitable place for our children.
Use supplemental wood heat - from fallen trees even!
Try not to use a lot of paper products (ie. paper plates, cups . . .)
Keep electricity use as low as possible - turn lights off, keep thermostat turned down
Plant trees
Use a reel mower instead of gas mower
Ways we don't "live green":
Drive a SUV - or we'd never be able to get up our hill in the winter
Keep our hot water heater turned up - I like to be able to make hot chocolate with tap water:)
Don't recycle - I plan on starting as soon as the garage gets cleaned out!
I love animals - I always have.
Hershey - one of the many cats we have bottle fed.
As a kid I raised several litters of orphaned baby pigs. As an adult I have bottle fed at least 6 kittens. I even tried to get certified by the state to rehabilitate injured wildlife - what a hoot!Wouldn't you know the day the conservation officer came to check out our property to see if we "had the proper facilities" to care for injured wildlife, our outside dog, Sam, showed up with his "kill of the day" which happened to be our state bird! I don't think we left a real good impression on the conservation officer.
Come to find out I probably could have adopted a baby with less red tape than it would take to legally care for a wounded or orphaned raccoon. So I gave up on that venture.
The point is I think that as Christians we should take care of God's creation. In Genesis 1:28 it says that God told Adam and Eve to subdue it. This means to study and explore it. I think you can take from that that we are to have an appreciation for all of God's creation.
Adam naming the animals - Creation Museum.
Genesis 1:28 also says that Adam and Eve were to have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. J. Vernon McGee put it this way, "Adam was not just a gardener to cut the grass. Man was created to rule this earth." We are to have dominion which means we are above the animals.
However, this is not the view of everyone. Here is an excerpt from an article I read online today:
Oh, if we all just disappeared. According to The World Without Us, Alan Weisman's strangely comforting vision of human annihiliation, the Earth would be a lot better off. In his doomsday scenario, freshwater floods would course through the New York subway system, ailanthus roots would heave up sidewalks, and a parade of coyotes, bears, and deer would eventually trot across the George Washington Bridge and repopulate Manhattan. Nature lovers can take solace in the idea that the planet will thrive once we've finally destroyed ourselves with global warming. But Weisman takes the fantasy one step further: Let's not wait for climate change, he says. Let's start depopulating right now. Instead of burning down our numbers with oil and gas, we might follow the advice of the founder of the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement, who tells Weisman that everyone in the world should stop having kids all at once. Weisman isn't up for quite so drastic a measure, but he makes his own pitch, moderate in comparison: Let's cut the birth rate to one child per couple, for a few generations at least. The population would dwindle by about 5 billion people over the next century, he says, ensuring the habitability of the Earth for the 1.6 billion who remained. At that point, they could all reap the rewards of a more spacious planet, sharing in "the growing joy of watching the world daily became more wonderful." It seems like a notion from the fringe, but Weisman's book has become a mainstream best seller. Could population control be the next big thing in green culture?
This is the kind of thinking that comes out of a society that embraces the teaching of evolution. How tragic that we in America have become that society.
This type of thinking clearly contradicts the truth found in the Bible. God's Word tells us in Psalm 127:3-5 Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord; and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.
The church and we as individual Christians are partly to blame for our society's view on the sanctity of life. How many good, Bible based churches are silent on the matter of abortion. How many of us as Christians buy into the lie of "us 4 and no more" when it comes to our families - afraid that God won't provide if we have more than our token 2 kids.
We bought the lie after 3 kids. I remember distinctly our family physician sitting in my hospital room holding Joel and asking Brian and I (age 28 and 24 respectively) what we were going to do to "keep this from happening again." She was serious - before discharge we needed to have a plan. So when Joel was 3 months old, Levi was 3 1/2, and Megan was 4 1/2 Brian had a vasectomy - 100% covered by insurance. This proved to be a decision that has brought much heartache into our family and a decision that has cost thousands of dollars to try to correct.
In Sunday school we are studying the book of Joshua. The last two Sundays we have learned how God called the Israelites to be different, set apart - a peculiar people. As Christians we have that same calling. We are to be different from the world - we are to have a different mind set.
We are to value life - unborn life, young life, old life. The world doesn't and that fact is becoming increasingly more obvious.
We are to care for God's creation, but we are to worship the Creator not the creation. We also need to keep into perspective that people have souls - animals do not.
It is past time for Christians to stand up and proclaim the truth. I fear that the world we have helped mold with our indifference will prove to be an inhospitable place for our children.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Encouragement
I thought of something yesterday that encouraged me. I was thinking of the story I blogged about Levi and the Jeep when it hit me -
Levi drives a Jeep! Brian bought it for him. Levi didn't get it when he first asked for it, but he has one now. I've seen him drive it in the yard and up and down the driveway. Even better he gets to drive it on the road - something he couldn't have even dreamed of doing when he was 8 or 9.
The father provided his child with the desire of his heart in the father's appropriate timing. I think there's a lesson here from which I can benefit!
Levi drives a Jeep! Brian bought it for him. Levi didn't get it when he first asked for it, but he has one now. I've seen him drive it in the yard and up and down the driveway. Even better he gets to drive it on the road - something he couldn't have even dreamed of doing when he was 8 or 9.
The father provided his child with the desire of his heart in the father's appropriate timing. I think there's a lesson here from which I can benefit!
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
With the morning sun
With the morning sun came surrender.
Like Jacob, the struggling and striving are over. I am yielded.
With the morning sun came humbleness.
Do I know where God stores the snow and the hail? Can I guide the stars? Can I cause the rain to fall from the clouds? Do I hunt prey for the lions and satisfy the appetite of the lion cubs? Does the hawk fly by my wisdom? Do I know what is best for me?
With the morning sun came communion.
Brian's love for me is unwavering. What I interpreted as callousness on his part was in truth a wall. A wall I had built myself keeping him out and making it impossible for him to comfort me.
With the morning sun came hope.
My hope isn't based on two pink lines.
Like Jacob, the struggling and striving are over. I am yielded.
And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go,except thou bless me. Genesis 32:26
With the morning sun came humbleness.
Do I know where God stores the snow and the hail? Can I guide the stars? Can I cause the rain to fall from the clouds? Do I hunt prey for the lions and satisfy the appetite of the lion cubs? Does the hawk fly by my wisdom? Do I know what is best for me?
Behold, I am vile;
What shall I answer You?
I lay my hand over my mouth. Job 40:4
What shall I answer You?
I lay my hand over my mouth. Job 40:4
With the morning sun came communion.
Brian's love for me is unwavering. What I interpreted as callousness on his part was in truth a wall. A wall I had built myself keeping him out and making it impossible for him to comfort me.
With the morning sun came hope.
My hope isn't based on two pink lines.
My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness,
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' name.
When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace,
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ, the solid rock, I stand -
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness,
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' name.
When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace,
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ, the solid rock, I stand -
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Hopeless
It just seemed like a bad idea to test on my birthday. Maybe I really knew there was no reason to hope for good results.
Monday morning's test made it obvious. There is no hope and never was any.
What I really don't understand is the timing of things. I never once prayed this month to be pregnant - that is until I was late. Brian had told me, "Be thankful for what you have. Enjoy your life as it is." I was doing all of that.
Why the false hope - when I wasn't even asking for anything.
Everything seems fuzzy and confusing right now. Nothing makes sense. Internally I feel a pain that is unrelenting. I feel weak and broken - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I feel abandoned and alone in my grief. Brian doesn't seem to share it - sometimes I really wonder if he is even capable of feeling emotion. I think the last 2 1/2 years has done nothing more than cause him to grow callous towards me.
I know the facts. I know the Biblical truths associated with prayers not being answered. I understand in my head that God said no because He loves me and He knows what is best. Why does that explanation feel so clinical right now? Why does knowing that not make the hurt go away?
When Levi was 8 or 9 while we were on our way home from church we passed a Jeep for sale in someone's yard. Levi asked us to buy him the Jeep so he could "drive it around in the yard and up and down the driveway." This was no toy Jeep that was for sale it was a real Jeep Wrangler. When we told him no, he cried and cried. He was angry all afternoon at us. He wanted the Jeep more than anything, and we said no. He didn't understand that it was because that we loved him that we told him no. Aside from not being able to afford the Jeep, we didn't want him to hurt himself or others by driving a real Jeep around in the yard when he was only 8 or 9 years old. Believe it or not, he is still a little upset about the whole thing.
I guess I didn't get the "Jeep" either.
Monday morning's test made it obvious. There is no hope and never was any.
What I really don't understand is the timing of things. I never once prayed this month to be pregnant - that is until I was late. Brian had told me, "Be thankful for what you have. Enjoy your life as it is." I was doing all of that.
Why the false hope - when I wasn't even asking for anything.
Everything seems fuzzy and confusing right now. Nothing makes sense. Internally I feel a pain that is unrelenting. I feel weak and broken - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I feel abandoned and alone in my grief. Brian doesn't seem to share it - sometimes I really wonder if he is even capable of feeling emotion. I think the last 2 1/2 years has done nothing more than cause him to grow callous towards me.
I know the facts. I know the Biblical truths associated with prayers not being answered. I understand in my head that God said no because He loves me and He knows what is best. Why does that explanation feel so clinical right now? Why does knowing that not make the hurt go away?
When Levi was 8 or 9 while we were on our way home from church we passed a Jeep for sale in someone's yard. Levi asked us to buy him the Jeep so he could "drive it around in the yard and up and down the driveway." This was no toy Jeep that was for sale it was a real Jeep Wrangler. When we told him no, he cried and cried. He was angry all afternoon at us. He wanted the Jeep more than anything, and we said no. He didn't understand that it was because that we loved him that we told him no. Aside from not being able to afford the Jeep, we didn't want him to hurt himself or others by driving a real Jeep around in the yard when he was only 8 or 9 years old. Believe it or not, he is still a little upset about the whole thing.
I guess I didn't get the "Jeep" either.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
1 am
VBS is over for this year - the church is clean and set up for Sunday. I should be tired, but thanks to the McDonald's Iced Coffee I drank at 11:00 pm - I'm wide awake.It's funny the things your mind starts thinking about when you're trying to fall asleep. I was lying in bed listening to Brian snore and thinking about everything from things that happened in VBS, to furniture I want to somehow convince Brian to rearrange tomorrow, to recipes I want to try, to curtains I want to make (who am I kidding - curtains I want my mom to make for me), to the scary bug I saw run across the dining room floor today, to Hershey (the cat) at the end of the bed sucking on the blanket, to the pregnancy test I didn't take Friday as planned but might take when I wake up - that is if I can ever actually fall asleep!
I'm not sure if I will take the test when I wake up or not. Brian has looked forward to sleeping in on Saturday all week, I don't want to do anything to mess that up.
I think I will wait to take it on Sunday - my 38th birthday! Maybe the pee stick will be good to me on my birthday!
Starting to hope again.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Solo
VBS at Cornerstone Church
We have three classes divided by age groups. Each class is a "country." Here is Japan.
Here is Africa. Okay - I know Africa is technically a continent. I think this is South Africa's flag.
Wait a minute, Brian just told me this was Mexico's flag - I didn't do so well in geography.
Wait a minute, Brian just told me this was Mexico's flag - I didn't do so well in geography.
The banner over the door says "Entering the mission field."
VBS is going really well. We have prayed for weeks that the Lord would bring us the kids He wanted there - now we have to trust that He has done that.I am really enjoying doing the missionary story each evening. Tonight's story was Choco Calls - I really think the kids are starting to put things together. I think they are seeing how the skit, the lesson, the missionary story, the closing message, and the songs all fit together and are all telling the salvation message.
Levi had to work tonight basically because he waited too long to try to find a replacement. I don't know for sure that even if he would have asked earlier if anyone would have covered for him, but waiting until an hour before his shift to try to find coverage didn't help matters!
He "threw" his last two swimmers out of the pool at 7:30 pm so he could close early and drove home to change clothes. He then made his first solo trip to church. It was probably a good thing I was telling the missionary story during his drive - I didn't have time to worry about him.
We ended up with three vehicles at church tonight - Brian came straight from work in the van; Megan, Joel, and I drove the Explorer, and Levi drove the Jeep. We sent Megan and Levi home in the Jeep shortly after VBS so they could get home before dark - the pictures are from their drive home - Megan has determined to photo document her entire life! Having kids who drive really makes me aware and very thankful for the protective hand of God.
Today is day 39 of this cycle. Brian and I have decided to wait until tomorrow to test.
We are both afraid to hope.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Afraid
Today is Sunday and day 35 of this cycle - nothing has happened. The plan was to test today, but I am afraid to test. We are setting up for VBS after the worship service. There is way too much going on today to be mourning negative pee stick results.
I thought I was having symptoms the other night - I was nauseated. Turns out Brian was nauseated too. It must have been the pizza from the clubhouse we ate. Rather than symptoms of being pregnant it was symptoms of being too old to eat pizza of questionable origin late at night.
Still afraid to hope.
I thought I was having symptoms the other night - I was nauseated. Turns out Brian was nauseated too. It must have been the pizza from the clubhouse we ate. Rather than symptoms of being pregnant it was symptoms of being too old to eat pizza of questionable origin late at night.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Totally TMI - Be warned!
*Note: This is an attempted reposting (if that's even a word) of a post I published - then, while in a hormonal uproar, deleted. I decided to repost (again if that's even a word) for posterity's sake.
I don't normally blog about infertility, because I try not to have it consume my life. Easier said than done at times.
This cycle was slated to end the week of camp. I kept expecting it to end, but nothing ever happened. I don't think it was the stress of camp that caused things to be off either. Aside from Saturday night, I slept well, ate well, and got about as much exercise as normal during camp. Plus, stress is most likely to only disrupt the follicular phase of a woman's cycle and not the luteal phase. Bottom line - stress or no stress it shouldn't have mattered.
This Wednesday found me at day 31 of my cycle. I can count the number of times I have been late - basically four. I am very sure of my dates too. Brian and I were in separate cabins the whole week of camp which helps to narrow things down. I know that Brian was seen sneaking into my cabin every night after midnight - but honestly, that was our only time to talk. Plus (small confession necessary) I brought my portable black/white tv to camp. I know camp was supposed to be a time away from worldly distractions, but it got awfully quiet in my little cinder block room at night - plus, I wanted to keep track of the weather (at least that makes having a tv at camp seem more legitimate)!
Hope and Levi
Hope is usually what comes around only to kick me in the pants (note - I am speaking of the emotion of hope and not the sweet girl, Hope, that Levi is crushing on), but being late made me hopeful. I had a left over test from my days with the RE - so I decided to use it Wednesday morning. Brian told me not to - he prefers to be blissfully ignorant - but I didn't listen and used it anyway.
Big, fat negative.
So again life finds me in the depths of disappointment which I am trying to climb my way out of.
After my disappointing pee stick results, I had my usual pity-party which amazingly enough only lasted 48 hours - a new record for me! This time I only wrote one hateful email to Brian detailing all the reasons why I felt he was "insensitive to my feelings" - again a new record for me.
Brian and I fortunately patched things up Thursday afternoon - although I have never properly apologized for my scathing email. I need to do that.
After spending way to much time today "googling" every possible reason for being late - I don't know why I did this, I could have written everything I read - I came up with the following:
1. I could be pregnant and just tested too early. I have been meticulously tracking my cycles for the last, say, 2 1/2 + years. I know every move my ovaries make. I have had enough monthly ultrasounds that the ultrasound tech and I should at least still be emailing each other. I am quite sure that I ovulated this month and at the normal time.
2. I could be going through early menopause. If that's the case there isn't enough progesterone in the world to save my sanity.
3. My recent dental surgery could have corrected my luteal phase defect and this is just the normal length of my cycles now. Explanation - the dental surgery got rid of the infection in my body which was keeping my cortisol levels high which was keeping my body from producing progesterone which was shortening the length of the luteal phase of my cycle which is most likely the cause of my infertility. I think I think too much!
4. I could have a tumor. This always seems to be an possible answer to any medical problem. No, I did not read this on the internet - I managed to think this one up all on my own.
Nevertheless, my plan is to test again on Sunday if nothing develops between now and then. It will be day 35 of this cycle. That's when I tested positive with Joel - crazy that I can remember that! Here's hoping the pee stick will have two lines.
I am afraid to hope.
I don't normally blog about infertility, because I try not to have it consume my life. Easier said than done at times.
This cycle was slated to end the week of camp. I kept expecting it to end, but nothing ever happened. I don't think it was the stress of camp that caused things to be off either. Aside from Saturday night, I slept well, ate well, and got about as much exercise as normal during camp. Plus, stress is most likely to only disrupt the follicular phase of a woman's cycle and not the luteal phase. Bottom line - stress or no stress it shouldn't have mattered.
This Wednesday found me at day 31 of my cycle. I can count the number of times I have been late - basically four. I am very sure of my dates too. Brian and I were in separate cabins the whole week of camp which helps to narrow things down. I know that Brian was seen sneaking into my cabin every night after midnight - but honestly, that was our only time to talk. Plus (small confession necessary) I brought my portable black/white tv to camp. I know camp was supposed to be a time away from worldly distractions, but it got awfully quiet in my little cinder block room at night - plus, I wanted to keep track of the weather (at least that makes having a tv at camp seem more legitimate)!
Hope and Levi
Hope is usually what comes around only to kick me in the pants (note - I am speaking of the emotion of hope and not the sweet girl, Hope, that Levi is crushing on), but being late made me hopeful. I had a left over test from my days with the RE - so I decided to use it Wednesday morning. Brian told me not to - he prefers to be blissfully ignorant - but I didn't listen and used it anyway.
Big, fat negative.
So again life finds me in the depths of disappointment which I am trying to climb my way out of.
After my disappointing pee stick results, I had my usual pity-party which amazingly enough only lasted 48 hours - a new record for me! This time I only wrote one hateful email to Brian detailing all the reasons why I felt he was "insensitive to my feelings" - again a new record for me.
Brian and I fortunately patched things up Thursday afternoon - although I have never properly apologized for my scathing email. I need to do that.
After spending way to much time today "googling" every possible reason for being late - I don't know why I did this, I could have written everything I read - I came up with the following:
1. I could be pregnant and just tested too early. I have been meticulously tracking my cycles for the last, say, 2 1/2 + years. I know every move my ovaries make. I have had enough monthly ultrasounds that the ultrasound tech and I should at least still be emailing each other. I am quite sure that I ovulated this month and at the normal time.
2. I could be going through early menopause. If that's the case there isn't enough progesterone in the world to save my sanity.
3. My recent dental surgery could have corrected my luteal phase defect and this is just the normal length of my cycles now. Explanation - the dental surgery got rid of the infection in my body which was keeping my cortisol levels high which was keeping my body from producing progesterone which was shortening the length of the luteal phase of my cycle which is most likely the cause of my infertility. I think I think too much!
4. I could have a tumor. This always seems to be an possible answer to any medical problem. No, I did not read this on the internet - I managed to think this one up all on my own.
Nevertheless, my plan is to test again on Sunday if nothing develops between now and then. It will be day 35 of this cycle. That's when I tested positive with Joel - crazy that I can remember that! Here's hoping the pee stick will have two lines.
I am afraid to hope.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Waiting for the right time
My grandparents were married for 8 years before they ever had children. My grandmother said she used to pray that a baby would be left on her doorstep. God heard her prayer for a child and eventually blessed my grandparents with 10 children!My grandparents, as long as I can remember, slept in separate bedrooms. I'm not sure if they always had this arrangement - if so, that might explain the 8 years of infertility! But I'm assuming that wasn't the case.
In today's world, my grandmother would have been labeled infertile and probably would have been encouraged to seek the help of a RE. She might have undergone IUI, IVF and countless other procedures.
But that wasn't available in the 1930's. Instead, my grandparents prayed for a child. I don't know if there were "kitchen cure" infertility treatments back then (ie. herbs and such) that she might have used, but I do know that during those 8 years my grandparents opened their home to those in need and seemed to have a focus on serving others.
Because my grandmother didn't blog (lol), I have no way of knowing her thoughts during this time. I'm sure she was saddened by her barrenness, and obviously must have felt hopelessness if her prayer was for a baby to be left on her doorstep.
I don't know if a medical miracle occurred one day that allowed her to conceive - or maybe it was just finally the right time. God's time.
As I struggle with my diagnosis of unexplained secondary infertility, I wonder if maybe it just hasn't been the right time yet. Not God's time.
My experience with a RE and subsequent fertility treatments (monthly ultrasounds, blood work, Clomid, progesterone supplementation - oral, suppository, and injections, and one IUI) left me feeling hopeless and abandoned by God. I put all of my hope in procedures and medication. My life revolved around cycles, temperatures, follicle sizes, and lab values. I was constantly uptight and stressed out. When yet another cycle would end with disappointment, I was beyond devastated.
I found myself overwhelmed with the hopelessness of the situation, the helplessness of my own inability to change anything, and the bitter loneliness of soul that comes to one who stops looking toward and trusting in the Lord of all.
Things haven't worked out according to my time table, my plans, or my way. I have found out through this struggle that I can't manipulate God. I can in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let [my] requests be made known to God, but I can't make God do anything.
"God, will You please show me that You still love me?" I prayed. "I'm angry and frustrated. I feel like You don't care. Please show me that You really are in control of everything and that You really are for me. Show me Your love."
When I have asked Him to show me His love, He never has failed to do so.
"Be merciful unto me, O God. Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book" . . . this I know; for God is for me." Psalm 56
How does God come to a person in need, speak to her, and quiet her hurting soul? In my situation God has used late night conversations with a patient husband, the blog of a stranger, well-timed sermons on the radio, talks with a dear friend, a video of a rebellious and strong-willed dog, Patch Club lessons, and His Word.
Through all of this, I found that I hadn't been looking at Him. I thought God was angry and unkind to me . . so I was looking away - I was looking only at myself.
Why do bad things happen to good people - well, maybe we're really not so good. I know God has used this struggle and disappointment in my life to work good - but the refiner's fire isn't painless as it purifies.
I will continue to pray for another child and trust that God will bring it to be in His perfect time - who knows, maybe I will find a baby on my doorstep.
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