Thoughts from me - a preacher's wife, farmer's daughter, mom, and nurse. Posts are mainly intended to help me journal the events of my life - topics will include kids, church, work, marriage, life in general,
and of course my dogs . . . and whatever else I feel compelled to write about.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Totally TMI - Be warned!

*Note: This is an attempted reposting (if that's even a word) of a post I published - then, while in a hormonal uproar, deleted. I decided to repost (again if that's even a word) for posterity's sake.

I don't normally blog about infertility, because I try not to have it consume my life. Easier said than done at times.

This cycle was slated to end the week of camp. I kept expecting it to end, but nothing ever happened. I don't think it was the stress of camp that caused things to be off either. Aside from Saturday night, I slept well, ate well, and got about as much exercise as normal during camp. Plus, stress is most likely to only disrupt the follicular phase of a woman's cycle and not the luteal phase. Bottom line - stress or no stress it shouldn't have mattered.

This Wednesday found me at day 31 of my cycle. I can count the number of times I have been late - basically four. I am very sure of my dates too. Brian and I were in separate cabins the whole week of camp which helps to narrow things down. I know that Brian was seen sneaking into my cabin every night after midnight - but honestly, that was our only time to talk. Plus (small confession necessary) I brought my portable black/white tv to camp. I know camp was supposed to be a time away from worldly distractions, but it got awfully quiet in my little cinder block room at night - plus, I wanted to keep track of the weather (at least that makes having a tv at camp seem more legitimate)!

Hope and Levi

Hope is usually what comes around only to kick me in the pants (note - I am speaking of the emotion of hope and not the sweet girl, Hope, that Levi is crushing on), but being late made me hopeful. I had a left over test from my days with the RE - so I decided to use it Wednesday morning. Brian told me not to - he prefers to be blissfully ignorant - but I didn't listen and used it anyway.

Big, fat negative.

So again life finds me in the depths of disappointment which I am trying to climb my way out of.
After my disappointing pee stick results, I had my usual pity-party which amazingly enough only lasted 48 hours - a new record for me! This time I only wrote one hateful email to Brian detailing all the reasons why I felt he was "insensitive to my feelings" - again a new record for me.

Brian and I fortunately patched things up Thursday afternoon - although I have never properly apologized for my scathing email. I need to do that.

After spending way to much time today "googling" every possible reason for being late - I don't know why I did this, I could have written everything I read - I came up with the following:

1. I could be pregnant and just tested too early. I have been meticulously tracking my cycles for the last, say, 2 1/2 + years. I know every move my ovaries make. I have had enough monthly ultrasounds that the ultrasound tech and I should at least still be emailing each other. I am quite sure that I ovulated this month and at the normal time.

2. I could be going through early menopause. If that's the case there isn't enough progesterone in the world to save my sanity.

3. My recent dental surgery could have corrected my luteal phase defect and this is just the normal length of my cycles now. Explanation - the dental surgery got rid of the infection in my body which was keeping my cortisol levels high which was keeping my body from producing progesterone which was shortening the length of the luteal phase of my cycle which is most likely the cause of my infertility. I think I think too much!

4. I could have a tumor. This always seems to be an possible answer to any medical problem. No, I did not read this on the internet - I managed to think this one up all on my own.

Nevertheless, my plan is to test again on Sunday if nothing develops between now and then. It will be day 35 of this cycle. That's when I tested positive with Joel - crazy that I can remember that! Here's hoping the pee stick will have two lines.

I am afraid to hope.

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