It just seemed like a bad idea to test on my birthday. Maybe I really knew there was no reason to hope for good results.
Monday morning's test made it obvious. There is no hope and never was any.
What I really don't understand is the timing of things. I never once prayed this month to be pregnant - that is until I was late. Brian had told me, "Be thankful for what you have. Enjoy your life as it is." I was doing all of that.
Why the false hope - when I wasn't even asking for anything.
Everything seems fuzzy and confusing right now. Nothing makes sense. Internally I feel a pain that is unrelenting. I feel weak and broken - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I feel abandoned and alone in my grief. Brian doesn't seem to share it - sometimes I really wonder if he is even capable of feeling emotion. I think the last 2 1/2 years has done nothing more than cause him to grow callous towards me.
I know the facts. I know the Biblical truths associated with prayers not being answered. I understand in my head that God said no because He loves me and He knows what is best. Why does that explanation feel so clinical right now? Why does knowing that not make the hurt go away?
When Levi was 8 or 9 while we were on our way home from church we passed a Jeep for sale in someone's yard. Levi asked us to buy him the Jeep so he could "drive it around in the yard and up and down the driveway." This was no toy Jeep that was for sale it was a real Jeep Wrangler. When we told him no, he cried and cried. He was angry all afternoon at us. He wanted the Jeep more than anything, and we said no. He didn't understand that it was because that we loved him that we told him no. Aside from not being able to afford the Jeep, we didn't want him to hurt himself or others by driving a real Jeep around in the yard when he was only 8 or 9 years old. Believe it or not, he is still a little upset about the whole thing.
I guess I didn't get the "Jeep" either.