My Psalm

Crazy how fast life changes.

Slowing down and enjoying the season we are in is hard. Microwaves, cell phones, high speed internet . . . we live fast paced.

Dangerous ground, especially for Believers.

Rarely are we quiet.

Rarely do we take time to meditate . . . to digest . . . God's Word.

This is something I am trying to change in my life. Studying some of the Psalms and doing my best to meditate on them and digest them has resulted in a Psalm of my own.

Broaden my vision, Lord.

Enlarge me in my distress.

Give me peace - shalom.

Let me sleep knowing that You neither slumber nor sleep.

You are God who sits in high places.

You are in control; let me remember that.

Lord, work things together for good.

Heal brokenness . . . soften hearts.

Quiet evil doers.

Be the Balm of Gilead to those in need.

Convict where there is sin. Change the heart of the hard.

Comfort the hurting. Silence the gossips.

Restore fellowship where it is broken.

Break the teeth of the liars.

Strengthen the faith of the weak - even mine.

Give encouragement to me in my need.

Show yourself mighty and strong and let my eyes be open to see it.

Thank you for your protection and your watch care over us.

Thank you for being outside of time and circumstances.

Thank you for being holy and pure, righteous and just.

Thank you for your perfect love.

Help me trust you in all things - even with my children.

Thank you for them.

Keep their hearts right. Let them serve you.

Guide them in all they do.

Keep them pure. Guard their hearts.

Forgive me for doubting you - for doubting your love for me.

Forgive me for my hardness and callousness against you.

Thank you for loving me despite my unfaithfulness;

despite my idolatry and worship of myself and what I desire.

You have blessed me even though I am unworthy of blessings.

You have loved me despite the fact that I am unlovable.

You have saved me even though I deserve Hell.

Lord, let me walk in truth.

Like you, let there be no darkness in me.

Grow me, sanctify me, purify me.

Refine me - pour off the dross.

Let me be more like You.

Let my life bear fruit.

Let me live for You all the days of my life.

Thankful

Saturday, February 5, 2011

9:35 am: Levi leaves for work.

9:40 am: Brian prays over our breakfast:"Lord, thank you for this food. Protect Levi as he is on his way to work. Be with Megan and Adam today. Be with Elaine and Joel and me as we are at home."

9:40 am: Unbeknownst to us, Levi is spinning out of control less than 3 miles from home.

9:42 am: Levi walks away unharmed from this -

9:44 am: my phone rings

Me: Hello.

Levi: Mom, I need to talk to Dad.

Dad: Hello.

Levi: I am really sorry Dad, but I just flipped the Jeep.

So very grateful for God's very obvious hand of protection.

Wedding plans in a nutshell . . .

We interrupt this wedding planning for a trip to FLORIDA!!!!!!

Let me just begin by saying, I know it is not all about me -

BUT I NEEDED this trip - I NEEDED the beach!!!

Thanks to Joel's hard work along with the hard work of his fellow basketball team members and coaches, Joel's team was invited to a basketball tournament in Florida - where they finished in second place!

Thank you, Joel!

Brian was more than amazing to me on this trip! He went out of his way SOOOO many times to make sure that I had time on the beach!

He even risked getting chewed out by an armed military guard at midnight - just to get me to the beach that first night! Thankfully the guard was nice and instead of shooting us politely showed us where to turn around and gave us directions to the PUBLIC beach!

But two days of driving . . . two days on the beach . . . three INTENSE basketball games later . . . we are back in the thick of wedding planning!

Wedding plans in a nutshell -

Wedding Dress: Alterations are complete - Megan will be trying on the finished dress TODAY! Veil is in the works. Need: head piece to go with veil.

Bridesmaid Dresses: Everyone has a dress - except Emily. Talking about it makes my ulcer hurt.

Tuxes: Picked out - my boys just need measured before 12/20. Decision to be made: Does Brian want to wear a tux or buy a new black suit?

Sanctuary Decorations: Fortunately this was easy - the church will be decorated. Just some minor rearranging will be needed. I am in LOVE with the unity candle Megan picked out!

Flowers: NOT DONE - Mrs. Parker HELP!!!!!

Cake: Thanks to Aunt Carol and Rhonda the cake is in the works - Megan just needs to look through their catalog and pick one out! Hopefully, that will not take long.

Reception Decorations: Megan and I went out on Black Friday and hit the sales at Michaels, Hobby Lobby and Old Time Pottery - everything we bought was either 50 or 70% off! What an answer to prayer!!! But that being said we still need: round table skirt, tableware, candles, candles and more candles, white Christmas lights, sand, wood . . . still a few things to get!

Pictures: Nana is in charge of pictures!

Catering: Another TOTAL answer to prayer!!! TCM's school lunch lady was also a classmate of Brian's, and I think she is really giving us a GREAT deal on catering the reception. Yummy menu!!

Hair and Makeup: Megan and her bridesmaids (besides Emily who is away at college) had a trial run with their makeup. They all looked gorgeous! Hopefully things will go smoothly the day of the wedding!

My Dress: I don't want to talk about it. Too much pumpkin pie and Christmas candy has only added to my stress with picking out a dress. The only fancy dress I have EVER worn was MY wedding dress! Oh, I have worn plenty of nice, pretty dresses in my lifetime . . . but nothing that compares to what I need for the wedding. This is a HUGE source of anxiety for me right now.

Well there are the wedding plans in a nutshell! A lot done . . . but still a lot to do!

Subtract from our remaining days:

Christmas cantata practice and performance

Every Tuesday and Friday night basketball games

Joel's school Christmas program

Christmas Eve and Christmas with everyone

Joel's Richmond basketball tournament

Helping Levi get the Pathfinder fixed, titled and plated

New Year's Eve party

Work

Megan's finals . . .

. . . there is plenty of time!!

Worth a thousand words

Adam recently gave Megan the okay to begin transforming his bachelor pad apartment into their new home.

Given the fact that this apartment has housed as many as four 20-something single men at a time, I was concerned that transforming it into a home - regardless of how much estrogen influence was involved - would not be possible.

Those fears were laid aside yesterday.


A barefooted, happy, and very proud Megan met us at the entrance and welcomed us inside.

There I discovered that the shared entry hallway and stairs were brightly lit, nicely carpeted, and very homey feeling. Not at all how I had imagined (discarded cigarette butts, blood from the last homicide . . . my mind tends to gravitate to the worst).

As we entered the apartment itself I breathed another sigh of relief as I breathed in air conditioned, Clorox-laced air. Megan and Adam had spent the afternoon exerting some serious elbow grease and had the place impressively clean for its debut appearance to Brian and me, Levi and Hope, and Grandma (Joel had been there one time in its previous state).

Megan and Adam both took pride in showing us their new Ikea table and chairs that Adam built with his own hands. And I envisioned Megan putting away laundry as she showed off their more than ample walk-in bedroom closet.

Paint colors have been picked.
Curtains are being planned.
Rooms are being rearranged.

A home is being made.

This picture is going to be very cathartic for me the next few months.

I will look at it when:

I am sad Megan has grown up.
I worried she is leaving the safety of our home to start her own.
I feel selfish and want to keep her little and with me.
I get frustrated with the wedding planning.
My heart hurts and misses her being three with short, curly hair.
I worry that she is not ready to be married.
I wonder if she will be happy.
I am overwhelmed and saddened by how fast life passes.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down,
and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep,
and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war,
and a time of peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:3-8

Get-Away

Last week all three kids counseled at church camp - leaving Brian and I home alone. Well, besides Scooby and the cats.

We enjoyed our week immensely. It was perfect.

We knew the kids were together, safe, and having fun - which left us to just really enjoy spending time with each other.

We went down Thursday night to see the kids at camp and then headed to Carl and Peggy's cabin. Between the pouring rain, darkness, and traveling on unfamiliar roads - the trip to the cabin itself was an adventure!

It was great the next day to head out without a real plan or anyplace we had to be. We ended up in West Baden/French Lick area where we perused some antique shops and spent some time in the West Baden Springs Hotel!

West Baden Springs Hotel is anything but ordinary—
it is an extraordinary experience.
You will be captivated once you step foot inside this
National Historic Landmark (NHL) built in 1902.
With its one-of-a-kind domed atrium spanning 200 feet, it has been called the "Eighth Wonder of the World."
Rooms rise in six tiers around the dome, and balcony rooms provide a panoramic view of the atrium.

I definitely want to go back and STAY in that hotel! Brian said maybe around Valentine's Day we could say there.

Hotdiggitydog!!!!

After supper at Red Lobster (thanks Tim and Linda!), we headed home with enough time to lie in bed and watch a movie!

It was a wonderful, romantic, peaceful, stress-less, relaxing two-day getaway!

Day 4

Well I managed to get in another day of exercising. But if I am going to lose ten pounds in six days it is going to have to all fall off in the next two days!

Here's hoping!

My plan so far has been to exercise first thing every morning before I can talk myself out of it. A little bit like how I used to eat lima beans when I was little - eat them first and get them over with!

There is a slight chance of severe weather today. Yippee! I love storms - not tornadoes - just storms.

I think my love of storms and weather, in general, stems from being a farmer's daughter. When I was at home, it was my job to watch the weather and report it to Daddy. Not that Daddy didn't end up watching it himself - but farmer's tend to obsess over the weather. Farmer's daughters tend to obsess over the weather.

This is a habit that I have found impossible to break.

When Brian and I were first married, I would proudly announce the five-day forcast to him when he came home from work. To which he would usually sarcastically answer, "I was wondering if I would be able to get in the field today," or "Daggone it, I just cut hay!" Smarty pants.

I remember the first bad storm that came through when we were newlyweds. Before Brian got home from work I hurried around and filled every pitcher, bowl, and basin we owned with water. I filled the tub with water and had a bucket of water sitting beside the toilet.

I could hardly wait for Brian to walk in the door so I could show him what a good, industrious, and capable wife I was. When he finally got home, I proudly showed off my 100 gallon collection of fresh water. His puzzled look prompted my explanation of wanting to be prepared for when the power went out because of the storm.

After he stopped laughing, he proceeded to explain to me that we lived in town now (albeit a small town) and had city water - not well water. There was no need to hoard water because we didn't have to worry about the electricity to the pump being off.

Talk about feeling silly. But being the good husband that he was (and still is) he commended my preparedness and thanked me for the water because he was feeling a little thirsty anyway.

Warning!

Do not - I repeat, do not EVER teach a Sunday School class on anger.

Why? Because the very next day you will be put to the test to see if you practice what you preach.

Next week I will be teaching on having the right attitude when you find $1,000,000 buried in your back yard.

New Look - Inside and Out

I have been thinking a lot lately about a lot of things. The big 4-0 is approaching and I have started getting all reflective - but in a good way.

I am changing a lot of things - this blog included. When I have more time, I will elaborate more. But right now the technical aspect of changing "Thoughts of a Preacher's Wife" are taking most of my available free time.

So for now here are a few of the things I have been pondering - in bullet form:

• Work - new job? I actually sent out two resumes! Why did I do this - I hate change!
• Home - rearranging/getting ready for winter. Sounds primitive I know, but last winter was hard in so many ways. I am taking my cues from Proverbs 31.
  
• Kids - lots of thoughts about the kids growing up and the new challenges they face. Exciting yet scary! These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night.
  
• Me - entering a new decade! Redefining myself. I am determined to be a new, better me!
  
• Church - new convictions about my leadership with the kids. Doctrine - it's all about doctrine. Building our house on the rock.
  
• Health - eating and cooking healthier more consistently. I truly believe we are killing ourselves with our diet. That is going to stop!

I am thankful for the transformation God has brought me through. I don't know if it hurts a caterpillar to turn into a butterfly, but I am thankful for my recent growth and change despite the pain.

God is good and His love is perfect.

Changing

I have been thinking about my blog lately. Thinking about taking it in a different direction. A lot has changed in this head of mine since starting Thoughts of Preacher's Wife.

When I started the blog I was a . . .

Thirty-something wife, mom, and nurse who really doesn't have time to be blogging. I just wanted a way to chronicle everyday life - both good and bad. Lots of new things going on in my life - new church, new to being the Pastor's wife, new to having teenagers, new to not homeschooling, new to infertility, new to blogging.

First of all let me address the "thirty-something wife, mom, and nurse." To be truthful, if my age were a price tag I would be $39.99.

But that is just the first of the problems with that description.

I have been a Pastor's wife at Cornerstone Church for soon to be four years! Megan will be 20 in November - no longer a teenager! I haven't home schooled in three years! I have been infertile for longer than I care to think about. And like me, this blog is no spring chicken.

There are a lot of new things going on in my life . . .

- I am a newly diagnosed diabetic (Okay, I admit that was painful to write);
- I will be entering a new decade of life this summer (More painful, much more painful.);
- I am adapting to life with adult children (Talk about pain!)
- I am discovering the world of healthy eating and exercise;
- I am embracing my new love of bowls, especially nesting bowls, old dishes, and cheap furniture finds at Trader Baker's (It helps with the pain.);
- and I am finally coming to terms with the fact that God blessed me with three children, two dogs, and two cats and that may be all I get. Well, maybe the dog thing is negotiable.

The whole infertility thing which is the real reason I started this blog is still with me. I don't know if it will ever fully go away. It is kind of like hemorrhoids - painful, always there. Okay, maybe not hemorrhoids. More like a bruise. A deep bruise that doesn't show on the outside but one that is painful when just the right or wrong pressure is applied.

I admit that a lot of my desire/need to have another child was an attempt to replace or rather replenish the three that were growing up so fast. I couldn't imagine my life existing outside of their lives.

My thoughts sunk so low as to even think God cruel for not "understanding my desires" and "fulfilling my needs." I still don't understand God's ways, but as God told Job, "I am not a man. My thoughts and ways are not like yours."

Amazingly, I have learned that my growing kids do still need me. I was reminded of this as I was mopping puke off the floor in Joel's room last week.

God works in mysterious ways.

Free Time

Who would think that the down turn in the economy would effect nursing!

I showed up to work this morning only to find out that the doctor moved today's clinic patients to Thursday because there were only five patients scheduled for today. I guess he had better things to do than come in for five patients.

Being a PRN (as needed) nurse - I was the expendable employee today.

I have never worked full-time as a nurse. When I first graduated from nursing school I took a part-time evening shift job in a great hospital on their Cardiac Step Down Unit. After four years I changed hospitals and took another part-time evening shift job in a not as great hospital this time on a med-surg unit. Working part-time (actually I called it part-part-time/usually 32 hours in a two-week pay period) allowed me to still technically qualify as a stay-at-home mom and yet feel like I was contributing to the household. Working part-time also gave me paid vacation but it required that I work every other weekend.

After a year of missing every once a month Patch Club performance at church, I decided to take a leap of faith and go from part-time to PRN. I stayed at this PRN status during the five years I worked in OB, and I remain PRN now that I am in oncology. During this time, I have come to expect peaks and flows in staffing, and I realize that full-time and part-time employees get first dibs when the hours get short. My hours although usually very dependable are not guaranteed.

Thus, I am unexpectedly home today.

Considering the fact that I am awake, dressed, and presentable I decided to weigh my options of what to do with my day.

I could . . .

- forget the fact that I am awake, dressed, and presentable and climb back into bed and sleep until the kids get home from school;
- send lurid texts to Brian and seduce him into coming home and joining me for the above;
- opt to spend a few hours on the couch under a blanket with Scooby watching worthless daytime TV;
- start a cleaning project;
- go shopping at Old Time Pottery for nesting bowls and Mexican restaurant style dishes for Joel's birthday dinner (the bowls are merely a new addiction of mine - hey, better than Little Debbies);
- spend the day blogging and emptying my head of all of the random thoughts circulating around.

Although spending the day in bed does sound tempting I am quite certain Brian would not heed to my texts. I didn't say he wouldn't enjoy them - but in the end he would say something about the mortgage, electric bill, and Levi's Jeep's ever empty gas tank being what keeps him on the straight and narrow and ultimately a good boy who can't come home in the middle of the day.

I would start a new cleaning project - like tackle the mound of clothes in Joel's room. But how can Joel learn responsibility if I am always cleaning his room? Whew! I am glad I thought of that.

I would love to go shopping for nesting bowls and Mexican dishes, but feel the shopper's remorse I would suffer after spending money while missing a day's pay would just be too great to bear. Who am I kidding? I just don't feel like driving to town by myself.

While I am sure I will spend some time today on the couch with Scooby, it looks like my day is going to be spent emptying my head of random thoughts.

I feel lighter already!

Samuel Robin

How do you reward years of faithful service? Well, in Sam's case you let him sleep on the couch when the windchill is -27 degrees.

Sam is our faithful first dog. He is 12 years old and has spent 11 of those twelve years outside guarding "the Lodge."

The story of how we got Sam is a little bittersweet for me. You see, Brian had been adamant about the fact that we were not to get a dog. He didn't want one - not yet. We were planning on moving in a year or so and Brian wanted to wait until we had more room for a dog.

Actually I might have just made all of that up. The fact was Brian didn't want a dog - he just didn't like dogs. A fact that would later change - but I digress.

Anyway, the problem was that I really wanted a dog. I wanted a dog now.

One weekend, Megan and I had to run to Walmart for some screws for a dresser Brian was putting together. As we walked into the store we passed a box of "free puppies." That's where we saw Sam. Instead of smiling at the puppies as we passed them by - we stopped and fell in love.

Megan and I agreed to do our shopping and while in the store pray about whether we should take one of those adorable free puppies. I realize now that praying about whether I should blatantly disobey my husband doesn't exactly line up with Scripture.

Needless to say, after five minutes of shopping and "praying" Megan and I had both come to the conclusion that we should take one of the puppies home. We picked a puppy originally named "Adam."

He was so small and sweet. He fit on Megan's little 6 year old lap and she wrapped him in her sweater. You would think we would be ecstatic that we finally had our puppy - but instead we both cried all the way home.

We knew we had disobeyed. We knew we were in the wrong. We should have just turned around and taken little "Adam" back to Walmart, but we didn't. We took him home.

Brian was upset, but even worse than that he was disappointed. It was the first time I had out and out disobeyed his request. And to top it off, I had dragged Megan into my disobedience.

"Adam" who we renamed Sam was everything Brian didn't want in a dog. He pooped on the floor, constantly chewed on things - especially shoes, wouldn't stay in the yard, dug under the fence, and Megan and Levi grew to be afraid of him and his needle sharp puppy teeth.

"Dog Whisperer" Joel, who was only 2 at the time, would wrestle Sam and and carry him around. And I would try to defend Sam's actions and make excuses for his behavior.

It was a rough couple months.

I finally apologized to Brian for my disobedience and asked him to forgive me and swore I would never blatantly disobey him again. We did end up moving and Sam became an outside dog. Things immediately improved and Sam became our beloved mole-hunting, guard dog.

He has served our family well. Brian loves him and appreciates his service to our family.

Sam is old and deaf now. He has arthritis and he smells bad. But I still love him and the lesson I learned from getting him is worth me giving up the couch for a few days.

The Fruit of the Spirit's Not a Watermelon

I was meeting Megan at the Verizon Store to upgrade her phone. We knew she was eligible for an upgrade in January. Her phone had been giving her fits and she was more than ready for a new one.

I listened to one of my favorite radio preacher's on the way to the Verizon store. He was preaching on the fruit of the spirit. It was a very good message, and as he preached I was reflecting on my own life wondering if my walk with the Lord was producing visible fruit.

Enter the store.

Sales Clerk: May I help you.

Megan: I'm here to upgrade my phone.

Sales Clerk: What's your cell phone number.

Megan: **************

Sales Clerk: Oh, I'm sorry. You are not eligible for an upgrade until January 23.

Me: What! January 23. That is just one week away. We drove all the way from ****ville just for this upgrade. (Patience?)

Sales Clerk: I'm sorry, ma'am. There's nothing I can do about it.

Me: Well, we need a phone today. Not in a week. We have five cell phones with Verizon, and pay a whopping monthly bill. We need a new phone today. (Peace?)

Sales Clerk: Well, I am sorry, but I can't do that. It is a strict company policy.

Me: Her phone isn't working right. It is going to be -27 degrees tonight and she is going to be driving home from a late class. She needs a phone that works!!!!! (Gentleness?)

Sales Clerk: I'll tell you what I will do. This is a one time deal. I will give her a new battery to get her by for another week.

Me: Okay. Thank you. [walking away to allow Megan to finish the transaction] (Self control? maybe)

It was at this moment that I became sensitive to the Holy Spirit's conviction. Would this sales clerk now be receptive to me witnessing to her or inviting her to church. I doubt it.

I could hear Angel singing:

The fruit of the spirit's not a watermelon.
The fruit of the spirit's not a watermelon.
If you want to be a watermelon, you might as well cheer it.
But you can't be a fruit of the spirit.

For the fruit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control . . .
Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Family Picture

Me and mine - October, 2008

So far the fall has been pleasantly busy. I plan on posting a pictorial update soon complete with lots of pictures of Levi as Long John Silver (peg leg and all!), Joel's first year playing soccer, my college girl Megan, and our overnight getaway in a 5-star hotel!

But until then - here are a few bits and pieces . . .

- As of this week, Megan is an official substitute teacher for our local public school corporation!
- We are thinking of an arranged marriage for her. Just joking - I think.
- She is saving for a Mustang. Don't tell my parents.

- Levi hasn't gotten in trouble for his sideburns yet this year.
- Levi's entire senior class spent an hour in detention because they went to class via the attic - Levi's idea.
- Basketball season starts Friday. I don't think Levi is going to get to start this year. I am more upset than he is. I hate basketball.

- Joel made student council - he is a natural leader.
- Joel wants to be a Marine. Megan has reminded me not to get too freaked out yet - he wanted to be an Olympic swimmer this past summer.
- Joel is starting JV and dressing Varsity for basketball. If the coach makes it a competition between my boys as to who gets to play, I may have to hurt him - the coach not Joel. I hate basketball.

- Sam got a dog house. He is so proud of it. He laid in it for three solid days without getting out.

- Scooby has been wearing his sweater because the house is too cold for him. What a sissy.

- I have a new responsibility at work. I am the Nurse Navigator for the Tuesday clinic in the Breast Center. I don't know why, but nobody at home wants to hear me talk about work now.
- I have had two very good witnessing encounters at work recently. Although working as much as I have been is not what I desire, it is obviously where God wants me right now.
- I spent the last hour looking up Spanx on the internet. I am in need of an industrial strength pair in order to make me fit in the hunter green formal dress I have to wear as the accompanist for Ensemble.

- Brian loves me despite my womanly hormonal moodiness and took me to a 5-Star hotel last weekend!
- His blog is getting 500+ hits a day. What a goober.
- He will be proud of me for finally posting!

and a little randomness . . .

- there are five loads of laundry in the laundry room and the dryer isn't working right
- we NEED another car
- the wood stove does a good job keeping the house warm as long a there is wood in it
- I need to make a menu and get groceries
- I think I have to help make and serve spaghetti tonight for a senior fundraiser
- the Patch Club's Christmas program is in 4 weeks . . .
- I think I am hyperventilating because the Patch Club Christmas program is in 4 weeks
- so far I have bought only one Christmas present (it's for Levi - he will LOVE it!)
- Scooby needs a bath and so does his little red sweater
- my plan to eat only Raisin Bran and excerice three times a day hasn't panned out, and there is no way I am going to fit in that hunter green formal dress even with industrial strength Spanx.

Horses v. Sheep

I was looking at some pictures on Confessions of a Pioneer Woman's website over the weekend. There were pictures of the ranch she lives on and pictures of her kids. But the ones I liked the best were the pictures of her husband.

Wait a minute - I think that statement needs some clarification.

I liked the pictures she posted of her husband because it showed him working the ranch, being with his kids - showing all the things that she loves about him.

Her comments under these pictures were very real. It was obvious that she knows her husband well and loves him immensely.

It made me think of Brian and the things I love about him. Unlike Confession's husband, Brian doesn't ride horses or lasso cattle - but he does tend sheep.

If I had a camera with me on Sundays, this is a picture I would take.

- The way he rubs his eyes and forehead while his head is bowed praying before he gets up to preach. It's a pained look and one that used to worry me immensely. It used to worry me because I thought he was having chest pain or something. I finally asked him one Sunday what in the world was wrong. He just looked at me and said, "I'm praying."

I've seen that pained look before - on different people. I've seen it on my dad as he looked over cattle grazing on a dry pasture. I've seen that look on the face of doctors as they flip through the chart of a cancer patient while the anxious patient and spouse wait to hear the prognosis. I've seen that look reflected back at me from a monitor screen as I watched a fetal heart rate decel too deep and too long too many times.

There's something about the gravity of being responsible for lives - whether patients, cattle, or sheep - that weighs heavy at times.

The responsibility of tending sheep (and eating pizza after 9pm when you are post-40) has been known to effect his sleep.

Brian e-mailed me this this morning -

I had very disturbing dreams this morning.

The house was flooding, and we had water damage everywhere.
The wood on the house was rotting before my eyes.

Then we had to carry heavy stuff up a rotten, rickety deck,
and I was having to reassure you.

Then the neighbor came and was stealing things out of his foreclosed house and putting these things on our crumbling deck.

About this time, I was slammed into the side of a building by a
river boat (I don't know where it came from) and the tornado
that had hurled it against me drug me and the boat 15 miles the rescue people said.

After falling out of the tornado's grip I had lain unconscious for
some time and had internal injuries.

After paramedics had triaged me, you found me and were taking me home.

Then I woke up.

Maybe riding horses and lassoing cattle would be easier than tending sheep?

Odds and Ends

Between basketball games, work, church . . . there hasn't been time to blog. But if I had time, here are a few things I could have blogged about since my last post.

Bible Quizzing takes a road trip!- Our trip to Downer's Grove, Illinois, was pretty much a whirlwind event. Our quiz teams didn't make it into the finals, but the kids can consider it good practice for their upcoming competition in March. It was freezing cold there, and I had hopes that Brian and I could sneak off and go to some quaint coffee shop - didn't happen. But thanks Andrea Jennine for the tip on where to go should we have had time. The best part of the trip was probably the way home - we had a van full of choir/ensemble members who blessed us with music the entire way home!

I'm tired of winter! - The older I get the more I can't stand the winter. When we home schooled, I loved winter. I had the kids to help me keep the upstairs fire place and the basement wood stove puffing out cozy warmth. There was nothing better than being snug in the house with the kids curled up on the couch or chair reading - all the while snow was falling outside. Winter is great when you can stay at home! Scraping cars, worrying about icy roads, hauling wood in myself . . . I am really ready for spring!

Levi's bad day. - Levi wrecked the Jeep twice in one day! Joel told him driving a car wasn't like riding dirt bikes where you wreck and then just get back on only to wreck again - a fact of which Levi was only all to aware. To Levi's credit, the roads were horribly icy that fateful Saturday morning. Had Brian and I ANY idea that the roads were that slick and icy, we would have never let him leave that morning. Praise God for His protection in keeping Levi from physical harm. The Jeep, on the other hand, now has two cracked turn signals and the front says EEP instead of JEEP!

Levi and Hope

I love Scooby! - Nothing new - just always something good to post about.

What a trip to a children's oncology clinic will teach you. - I went with Bridget to Lauren and Meagon's appointment with the hematologist. Sitting in that pediatric hematology/oncology clinic waiting room was a sobering experience. We watched child after child go through those doors - some looking obviously ill, others looking perfectly healthy. My heart ached for the children and their parents, and as I sat there and waited I prayed for each one of them. If evolution were true, we should be getting better, stronger, healthier as a people - with each generation our children should be better, stronger, and healthier. But evolution is a lie from Satan himself. We live in a fallen world, and Adam's sin started creation on a downward spiral of decay and destruction. Our bodies and our children's bodies are experiencing the effects of the Fall.

Counting their blessings with them. - Friends of ours lost their home to a house fire. As I stood beside my friend looking at her destroyed home just hours after the fire department left, I was at a loss as to what to say. Blessings to count with them - it happened during the day when everyone was gone and not in the middle of the night, the neighbor ran over and unleashed the dog who was tied on the deck, the fire department got there quickly - allowing them to salvage a few things, and they have insurance.

The pain of letting your kids reap what they sow. - I love having teenagers. I loved having little kids, but I have to say I really, really love my teenagers. I love seeing them grow independent and into adulthood. What makes this so easy is the fact that I like who my kids are - they are truly enjoyable people to be around. What is hard is seeing them pay the price for bad decisions or watching them go through struggles. As a mom, it is hard to step back and not fix everything - to let them "bail their own boat out." But I know in the end, they will be better off for it. Thank you Peggy for my pep talk the other night!

Joel's amazing game! -The JH season ended last Thursday. Joel dresses up to JV, but because our JV team has several really good players as an 8th grader Joel doesn't usually get much, if any, playing time. This past Friday, however, was an exception. There is a wicked stomach virus going around the school and two of the JV starters missed the game because of it. This gave Joel his opportunity. From the minute the coach put him in, Joel played his heart out. It was amazing! I am so proud of him - way to go Joel!

Megan and Joel

Thank you Mrs. Parker. - Megan has taken voice lessons from Mrs. Parker since 7th grade. Mrs. Parker has always been so much more than just a voice teacher though - she has been a mentor and a friend. She is always there to help Megan sort things out - friends, future plans, love. Mrs. Parker epitomizes these verses - The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things. That they teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:3-5.

Megan and Hope

There's much more on which to think and reflect, but Scooby just buried himself under a blanket which most likely means the fire has died out and he would appreciate me fixing that problem!

Joel just called and said the basketball games are canceled tonight because of icy roads - yeah! A night at home instead of on the run - I'll take it!

A Warm Breeze

I needed today - the warmth, the wind, the change. The last few weeks for me have been overly busy and and overly troubled.

Not that it's been all bad - we did enjoy a nice Christmas with family and friends, and we rang in the New Year with the best of company. I have thoroughly enjoyed the kids being home from school, and I am thankful for being off work the entire week of Christmas!

But I truly needed the fresh air today - physically and spiritually. The last two weeks have also been plagued by vehicle problems, personal struggles for the kids, ministry related issues, and for me the reality that we are entering our third year of barrenness.

I stood at the kitchen sink today for hours - literally hours - washing the counter full of dishes that had accumulated over the last few days. The patio door was open, and Scooby was enjoying spending the day on the deck. It's the best of both worlds for him - the freedom of outside with the safety of inside.

I am thankful for all of the windows in our house - especially the one above the sink. As I washed dishes, I started noticing how many squirrel nests are in our trees. It seems like every tree has one. They are easy to see now that the trees are so naked.

I always love to think about what animal homes are like. I like to think of them as cozy little homes like in the Wind and the Willows.

Levi came home from hunting this weekend and told about seeing the "biggest beaver dam he had ever seen." He said Wade's foot went through it as they were walking across it and so Levi stuck his head in the hole to see what it looked like inside.

As he was telling me this story, I immediately imagined a cozy fire place with a little wood dining room table and chairs. Levi didn't mention a table and chairs, but he did say it was pretty neat inside.

(Brian later educated me that beavers don't live in the dams - they live in lodges that they make in the ponds their dam creates. He didn't, however, burst my bubble and tell me that they don't have fire places or dining room tables and chairs.)

Opening up the house today has been wonderful. I have watched the wind blow dust bunnies from under the couch and the stairs are now swept thanks to the warm breeze. It has also brought a renewal to me - a reminder that seasons change and troubles go sometimes as quickly as they come.

I'm no fool, I know winter will return and the doors and windows will shut again. Scooby will not be able to play on the deck but will rather crawl back under the blankets and refuse to come out. And new troubles will come as well - but then, so will spring.

What Will We Give Him?

Shopping, wrapping, baking . . .
more shopping, more wrapping, more baking . . .

It dawned on me this morning that although I say Merry Christmas, have Merry Christmas on my Christmas cards, and I wish people Merry Christmas - I too have been taking Christ out of Christmas.

Too busy shopping, wrapping, and baking
to meditate on His Word.
Too busy thinking over my grocery lists, gift lists, and menus
to worship Him.

Then while I was baking cookies, I found myself humming a song that the kids' ensemble sang last night.

What will be give Him when He comes?
What will we give the Promised One?
We can feel the time is near.
What will we give Him when He first appears?

Kings will bring Him precious gifts; incense, myrrh, and gold.
Shepherds will bring Him simple things His tiny hands can hold.

We will give our hearts to Him;
we will give our love.
That is what we'll give Him -
when at last He comes.

I put my lists aside and my cookie dough in the refrigerator and redirected my heart and mind. No longer the "stressed out kitty" - I am now putting Christ back in Christmas!

So now I will go on with my shopping, wrapping, and baking - but being careful to keep it in perspective.

I don't know about you - but I celebrate Christmas!

Twas the month before Christmas,
When all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying, Nor taking a stand.
Why the Politically Correct Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.
The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a "Holiday".
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod, something was changing,
Something quite odd!
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.
At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty, are words that were used to intimidate me.
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace.
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
So as you celebrate "Winter Break" under your "Dream Tree"
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holiday!

I didn't write this - it was a forwarded email I received,
but I thought it was worth posting.

"That strengthened my faith"

The kids always love it when Bro. Kendrick preaches in chapel. I love it when the they get home from a full day of school and practices and the first thing they want to tell me about is the chapel service from that morning. Today was one of those days.

Bro. Kendrick and his wife served in Africa as missionaries for many years. I don't know how old he is, but he is getting up there in years and yet he can still hold captive a group of teenagers.

Megan said his message today dealt with faith - he would tell stories from his years as a missionary and then end them with "and that strengthened my faith."

Tears ran down my cheeks as Megan retold one of the stories from Bro. Kendrick's message. I will do my best to retell it.

While Bro. Kendrick and his wife, Nina, were serving as missionaries in the jungles of Africa, their baby son developed a severe eye infection. There were no doctors around and no medicine either. They didn't even have any baby aspirin. Nina tried everything available to her - warm compresses and diluted aspirin.

Every night they would rock him to sleep. It was only with sleep that he would quit crying.

One night after the baby had been in bed for a little while, they heard a blood curdling scream coming from his room. Bro. Kendrick ran into the baby's room, ripped open the mosquito netting, and grabbed up the baby. As he looked at him, he couldn't believe what he saw.

In utter desperation to stop the pain, the baby had literally stuck his finger into his eye and his finger was entirely behind his eye ball. Pus and blood ran down the baby's check as he screamed uncontrollably.

Bro. Kendrick yelled for Nina to come quickly. They had no idea what to do, but Bro. Kendrick said he found himself feeling led to go outside with the baby. With the child in their arms, they ran out of the house into the dark of night.

The nearest hut on the compound belonged to an African pastor, and it was over one and a half football fields away. As they ran toward the house of this pastor, Bro. Kendrick was screaming for this man to come help them.

The Pastor ran to meet them outside. When he saw the baby's eye, he cried out that it was utterly destroyed. This Pastor then began to pray a loud and the Kendricks prayed - not just any prayer, but a prayer of desperation. The Pastor called out to God and beseeched him to heal this baby.

After several minutes of prayer, Bro. Kendrick felt the baby push against him and tug and pull at him - but they kept praying. After several more minutes, they responded to the pushing and pulling of the baby and held him up to look at him - they saw two perfectly healthy, normal eyes looking back at them.

Bro. Kendrick cried out in amazement that the baby's eye was healed. This African pastor calmly replied, what did you expect?

"That strengthened my faith," said Bro. Kendrick today.

I want faith like that. I want to pray expecting and anticipating God to intervene.

I want to pray for rain and bring my umbrella.

Lesson from Levi

Mrs. N. assigned to her English 11 class a book report - the book, a self help book. Levi read The Mystery of God's Will by Charles Swindoll.

Last night he asked me to proof read his report for him. Thanks to years of ABEKA grammar, he did a nice job.

But as I was reading his report, a paragraph really struck a chord with me. Courtesy of Levi, here's the paragraph:

He [Pastor Swindoll] leaves four guidelines that will help us when we come upon a closed door. The first is that because God is sovereign He is in full control. Second, because God is in full control of everything He will take full responsibility for what happens. Third, the closing of what may seem to be a good opportunity will open up a better door. Fourth, it is not until we walk through the opened door that we will find out why God shut the other door.

The line that really caught my eye was because God is in full control of everything He will take full responsibility for what happens. When doors that I just know should be open get shut, it is comforting to know that God takes full responsibility and can be trusted in his decision making.

Here's a crazy thought - trust God, He knows what He's doing. Thanks, Levi, for a timely lesson.